Silence as a form of communication is highly valued in Eastern cultures. It was my stays in Japan that opened my eyes to the importance of silence and taught me how to use it constructively. The Japanese haragei communication pattern of silence, in free translation “art of the stomach”, is applied when you need to give thoughts and feelings time to process events and to coordinate. It is successfully applied in the business world when it is necessary to make a decision. A common occurrence during meetings is silence that lasts for some time. Or the meeting comes to a halt until haragei has done its magic. In this way, they allow themselves time in which they can freely reflect on what has happened or is happening in order to better become aware of their position, take a stand, and make a decision accordingly.
Recent research has shown that silence is a powerful communication tool. According to them, silence is as important in the communication process as speech. The context of the situation determines which message we communicate with silence. Namely, silence as a communication tool can have two sides – positive and negative in terms of the quality of communication, but also the course of some relationships.
Constructively applied silence makes us better and more influential communicators, moves conversation or discussion in the right direction, allows us to react more thoughtfully and authentically or make decisions. These are the silences in which we feel comfortable, which open space for reflection and they echo the importance and significance of a particular situation.
There is also that dark communication side of silence when it is the way we suppress our dissatisfaction. We often go silent when we are angry, when we are resentful, when we disagree with something, when we feel we are not respected. By using the silent treatment, we sometimes want to “punish” our interlocutor. These are silences in which we do not feel good, which we shy away from, and due to which we withdraw and defend ourselves. Such destructive silence impedes further quality communication and creates barriers that make it difficult to express thoughts and feelings. Silence becomes the loudest communication message, and it is sometimes a deal breaker for the further development of the relationship. And that is when we should speak and say what is bothering us. Of course, bearing in mind not to criticise the interlocutor, but to constructively point out certain behaviours that bother us.
Here are three ways to turn silence into communication gold:
1. In communication, the most important thing is to hear what is not being said
So, listen even when no one is speaking. Observe what your interlocutor’s body language tells you – facial expressions in reaction to what happened/was said, the look on their face and where it is directed, whether there are nervous manners such as the interlocutor moving their foot, scratching or some other repetitive movements – decode what all this reveals about your interlocutor.
2. Haragei in the Western way
Whenever you are asked an important question, or when you need to send a key message to your interlocutors, apply the principle of haragei. Take a significant pause before you start speaking. This will help you shape your thoughts and feelings into words more efficiently and effectively. Moreover, you will attract more attention and gain more interest from your interlocutors. After responding, take a significant pause again to allow the message to take root in the other person’s perception. This will also strengthen your influence in communication, because as Leonardo da Vinci would say, “nothing strengthens authority so much as silence.”
3. In negotiations, the one who is more silent wins
There is a fear of silence in our culture, especially in business situations where we experience silence as extreme discomfort. We feel the pressure to fill that empty space with a flood of words as soon as possible. If we talk less during negotiations and take longer breaks, the interlocutor will unconsciously feel the pressure to say more. This will give you better insights into their situation, thoughts, plans. It is very likely that because of this socially conditioned pressure, they will say some things that they did not plan and thus reveal their position. But it is extremely important that you are “silent” with your non-verbal communication as well, that is, that you try to give away your opinion as little as possible with facial expressions, astonished looks, nervous movements.
Improve your communication by enriching it occasionally with constructive silence. This will not only make you more influential in business situations, but you will also connect better with your interlocutors because you will get to know and understand them better.
Apart from the fact that silence helped me to get a great rest, contemplate, and make some important decisions this summer, it also reminded me of all the beauty of the experience of being able to “just” stay silent with someone and feel accepted, loved, fulfilled.